READY BUT TREMBLING

It’s quite something to come face to face with the deepest longings within yourself. The acceptance is colossal. Standing still for them to envelop you and wear them like a cloak as you would your heart on your sleeve is an act of pure defiance.

For the past twelve years I have spent my life zoning in on adventures beyond my skill set in order to acquire skills I never had. Making going places I have never been a priority just to prove to myself that I am capable of conquering the unknown. I spent most of my thirties gearing up for a life of solitary soloing. I carried a deep peace within me as I adventured through unknown landscapes relying solely on myself. It made me happy and I felt empowered.

The drive for getting outside and exploring was so high I thought it would never end. Just the thought of finding a new ocean, mountain or desert landscape to map out and become familiar with was a thrill in itself. I was so focused on finding the next best adventure, nothing else mattered. About a year or two ago I stood in front of the embers of a fire I used to fuel. My drive and desire was dying and I wasn’t sure why. I never thought the day would come. Have I finally exhausted all the corners of the world looking for answers to questions that were actually within.

Since my first real relationship ended I promised myself a lot of things, I wanted to be so wholeheartedly self-sufficient, self-reliant, inspiring, inspired, driven, intrigued, interesting and interested in my own life that I would never have to fall in love again. For the past decade I have fiercely protected my heart and avoided love like the plague. But the heart wants what the heart wants. And love seeped through the brokenness, rose up out of the embers of that fire transforming an adventurous avoidant heart into a deeply longing and at times desperate one. Desperation is a hard emotion to mask, channel, navigate and bring to the surface. Not always so well received by others although a purely innocent imbalance in need of righting, it’s an incredibly raw and human one.

The longing to share my life has always been there, but I’ve worked hard to cultivate an understanding that I would be just fine if it never came. Joy and love and laughter do not only arrive with a partner or a lover but are definitely packaged differently with friends. I have always been under the impression that the time spent on relationships can be spent well on a lot of other things that truly enrich our lives for longer and in more sustainable ways than relationships do but I understand the opposite is true as well. It’s not about finding the one and not the other, but to allow it all to come in equal amounts in ways we can not control.

The depth of my longing to share the years left of my life has gripped my heart something fierce and threatening at times to squeeze the breath from my lungs. It should probably reveal the amount of time I spent on the opposite side of the river. It’s taken a long time to swim across, now exhausted on the other side, drenched in surrender. A heart ready to love from a place of deep starvation is a heart dangerously close to giving it all with reckless abandon and knowing no bounds. What a place to come to terms with in a world where everyone is busy and seems to have it all.

It took a lifetime to build walls as high as the sky. It took a moment for them to crumble and reveal a wanting heart. It’s the most uncomfortable place I’ve ever been. Be gentle I whisper into the unknown.