CHANGE – a choice and a challenge

It’s Monday evening and I’m staring at a blank screen. Actually been staring at the screen for a few days now. I had every intention of letting the words fall out of me after moving studios, telling you all about the new venture, I had so much to say yet every time I opened the laptop to put ‘pen to paper’ I couldn’t. This happens. Not being able to find the words because the feelings are still downloading.

I go through stages in life where resistance to existing is so visceral that I can’t be a functional adult. The fear of what the day holds and not having any control over it apart from choosing to go left or right and then shifting and adjusting as a reaction of what comes after that. Resistance has been rife of late. The phone ringing makes me jump not knowing if the news from the other side of the phone is loss or love. Not hearing from someone makes me worry something happened to them. The anxiety of such things taking up too much space in a creatives mind eats away at ones creativity and makes one question hope.

Death is a shadow that evokes much emotion. Emotions my heart and chest cavity don’t seem to be able to contain.

Why am I talking about death in a time of new beginnings? Whenever change is imminent, death of the familiar isn’t far behind. I love familiarity, it brings peace to my nervous system and although I wanted this change I am clearly mourning that which was. At times the idea of change and the change itself doesn’t necessarily align. Do I really want this? There is no way of knowing the outcome. The funny thing about outcomes though is that you won’t know what lies behind the next mountain if you don’t climb it, so action is needed for change to take place.

I guess what I’m trying to get at is that I’ve noticed a pattern in my life in the midst of this move from a home studio to a public one. As soon as life is great, I am settled and my nervous system is completely at ease I rock the boat, steer it into the storm and demand I do well as a seasoned sailor. It’s an interesting thing once you get to the why behind your decisions and the bullshit no longer suffice.

I’m not saying this studio was a bad idea, I think it will be a good one in the long run but the timing of my decisions raises an eyebrow. Because if I am really honest with myself, humouring that eyebrow and all I would have loved to take a year to roam and write while on the road. And then it dawned on me, that movement is what I am after. Often when I feel stuck in my body, my mind or my emotions movement files everything and reveals a clear perspective on things. Movement is medicine it seems. May it be moving studios, moving house, countries or purely going for a walk or a run or a hop or a skip or a jump. Physically moving, moves emotions, perspectives, visions and dreams into being.

Now if this pattern is out of trauma or a progressive nature I haven’t yet figured out, all I know is that it comes around every few years. The interesting thing about the change this time around is that I am standing watching from a third person perspective more than being in it. I am observing my own behavior and questioning as I go along. I want to acknowledge that a part of this decision is not void of doing this for others to be proud of me. More questions calculating in mind as I wrote that.

Every decision reveals new things about myself. And often I wonder if we are here for anything more than just learning. Learning to be, how not to be, who to love, how to love; constructing and deconstructing, learning and unlearning. I look forward to the day where no learning is required and no figuring out is necessary and walking can just be walking and loving can just be loving and life can be simple and it will be enough.

Until then, stay safe. It’s a luxury not many can afford and privilege we should all be more grateful for. I leave you with these beautiful words, I’m not sure who they belong to –

“Leaving your home and getting back safely is such an underrated blessing”

Stefni

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