All I want is ART

I feel lost when I can’t create. As if unshackled from an anchor and I am adrift at sea or about to float into the air without compass or direction. I get easily swept up in mindless wandering, purposeless time passing for hours on end.

I’ve judged this restlessness to want to or even need to constantly be creating rather harshly. Over time I have become acquainted with an urgency within. An urgency plump with fear of dying with all the things I never got around to creating still inside my bones instead of adorning walls across the globe.

I’ve lived and breathed creating stuff for as long as I can remember. Problems in studio would be solved in my dreams. I could go to bed completely unsure on how to scale a creative wall I have run into and wake up with a detailed map of solutions and designs the next morning.

Creating is my ultimate love language and yet I haven’t found a way to speak it fluently.

I’ve spent the past week at home, fiercely sick and without energy. Every day that goes by without being able to create is like a blow to the chest.

The desire to spend the rest of my life doing nothing other than making and creating runs so deep that my day dreams consist of isolated places, where the seasons and it’s creatures are my only witnesses and company while I lose myself in a life committed to understanding my own love language and how to bring it out of me and into life. My chest aches with these sharp destined desires of life void of anything but my commitment to my art. It’s all consuming at times and my day dreams can sometimes feel like a dangerous abyss.

I greedily want this lifetime and the next to just create.

Today was a first in a week where I felt strong enough to hold a brush and think outside the box. In between changing the bedding and washing dishes and tidying the house, I stepped into my home studio. A space always patiently waiting for me.

I need my days to be twelve hours long. To wake up, dress and do all the things necessary to look presentable for a day at the studio; to nourish and nurture throughout the day, drink enough water, eat breakfast, prep lunch to take with me and knowing what I’ll have for dinner and making sure there’s enough of it in the fridge; to get through all the orders and generate more, so that I have a warm bed to sleep in and a roof over my head; to make time for creative play and stay inspired to create new ranges and dream up new ideas; to exercise and go to therapy to stay mentally in tune; to eat dinner; read enough books because books are magic; to connect but not just talk nonsense to really be present and deeply connect; to love to laugh to live! One lifetime isn’t enough!

I can’t help but admit that the hardest piece about life for me is the participating part. It’s a rather big dilemma to have to tolerate this life stuff when honestly all I want is art.

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